Moving Further Away

The projects had taken a severe toll on me...

I'm no longer who I used to be.... I'm merely a shadow of my former self now...

I tried... I did try my best in my work... but.. at what price...

I've made people irritated at me... I've made some dislike me even... I strained my friendship with my best friend so severely.... oh God... help me..

I just cant help but wonder why... my envy and jealousy is so strong... it's... killing me... I dont want to be just an average person... why must I fall into the average categary...
I... want... to.. shine....

I want to be a role model, a person that people can look up to, a person who has many friends, a person who can comfort people knowing that people can comfort him if he is down..

I want to be the winner, a person that people will marvel upon his achivements, and at his final hour, turn back, and know that his life is not wasted...

I want to be the friend, the comforter whom people can rely on, the loyal whom people can trust, and the optimist, whom people will look forward to...

I want to be me... The unique person whom people will always remember, who impacts the lives of people and is treasured...

Why cant I be that? I dont need to be smart, I dont need to be intelligent... But I want something that people can praise me about... I want something that I can confidently tell others that it is from my uniqueness....

Does God make everybody equal?... I really dont think so... but then... why must He shape my life with a rusty knife on a jagged rock?....

I just coughed some blood... I think I'm going to die...

I dont want to lose my best friend... I dont want to lose my friends...

Thrown down from the high pedestal, I've fallen a long way... My heart hurts alot...
In my entire life, almost everybody I looked up too is older then me somehow...

But I've never ever looked up more to anybody else then to Timothy in this life... And everytime I look upon his achivement.. a mix feeling rises... A feeling of intense pride, intense jealousy, intense envy and intense helplessnes...

His life is so perfect... God loves him...
My life is a miserable slum... Does God love me?....

I'm going insane... I'm already suffering from major depression.... I dunno how long I will stay down... but the pain is beyond description...
I'd rather be stabbed hundred times then to endure constant self loathing and self degradation...

My words hurt me more then my actions... I'm so afraid that one day I might take the plunge...

I'm so useless... I'm so so useless...

All I have is my experiance on the streets... and even that took a price...

I've never felt such pain so consistantly... But I refuse to take any anti-depression pills already... it does not help anyway...

I got 75 for DTP - Big deal
I got 100 for DTP - Big deal

I got 74 for CC - Big deal
I got 55 for ICP - I could just go and die...
I got 79 for CD - Big deal
I got 87 for OC - Small deal

I completed my grade 8 examination - I can go and tear up my examination certificate...

I lost in every single thing in comparison to Timothy... except a few meagre marks in OC... tell me how I can not be jealous...

Our friendship grows strained... My heart aches and my mind is weary... What does it take to become like you...

You over came the biggest obstacle that I ever faced... and you achieved what I wanted to achieve...

My life seems more and more worthless....

God... please help me... please please please help me.... sobz... I really need you now... I deceived myself thinking I can be happy just acting as though I'm happy... but deep down i'm really really broken....
sobz...... save my friendship... save me..... please.....